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Breaking News. Mitt Romney to buy Heaven and lay off God.


Mitt Romney announced today that he is launching a hostile takeover of

Heaven and will be laying off God as a result. "God has 2 functions-to make me

even richer than I already am and to tithe all of creation to the Mormon

church" Mr. Romney was quoted as saying. "Since I don't have all of the

money in the world God has obviously failed in His primary mission. And, since

He hasn't given 1/10 of all of creation to the Mormon church He will be

barred from entering the Temple in Salt Lake City until He pays up".


Mr. Romney further announced that there will be massive layoffs of Angels

when the deal is complete. "We will be selling the wings of the Cherubim

and Seraphim and using the proceeds to pay the cost of the purchase of Heaven

in a leveraged buyout." Mr. Romney was quoted as saying. "There is nothing

wrong with that, it's the Capitalism that made America the great country

that it is. Firing people is fun, and firing God and the Angelic hosts,

well, it will more than compensates me for not having all of the money in the

world as my own and will be the thrill of a lifetime. Anyone who objects to

this is really just trying to divide us as a nation and wants to advance

European Socialism".


Mr. Romney further announced that the union representing the rest of the

angelic host, the Amalgamated Union of Angelic Servants, would be disbanded.

"We aren't anti-union". Mr. Romney was quoted as saying. "However, the

activities of this group threaten to interfere with our profit making

capabilities and that is just plain anti-American. In addition, I've read their

contract, something called the Bible, and quite frankly it's talk of 'loving

your neighbor' and 'turning the other cheek' is nothing more than thinly

disguised European Socialism. It has no place in the Celestial Kingdom that we

are planning."


Mr. Romney announced that following the disbanding of the Angelic Union

the angel's harps would be sold, with the proceeds of the sale being used to

buy the Taj Mahal as Mr. Romney's 41st house. "Saddam Hussein with his 32

palaces was a piker as far as I'm concerned." Mr. Romney was quoted as

saying. "And frankly, anyone who sees anything wrong with this is just trying to

divide Americans and instigate class warfare. Thank Me - America is still

a land of opportunity".


When asked about the future prospects of the multitude of Angels slated to

be laid off and penniless without their harps Mr. Romney was quoted as

saying "I'm not really concerned about them. I'm sure that there is a safety

net somewhere that will take care of them, assuming we haven't canceled it

because it might cost Republicans money. If they are that hard up they can

become wives to my sons and myself. Anyone who objects to this is really

trying to divide this country and advance European Socialism".


Mr. Romney's first action was to name himself CEO of Heaven and Earth.

God, the supposed former CEO and now supposedly laid off, was unavailable for


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