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Maureen Dowd Eats Too Much Weed Candy Bar and Freaks the flower Out

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Yesterday the New York Times published a column from opinion columnist and America's self-anointed fun city aunt Maureen Dowd wherein the Are Men Necessary? author and Pulitzer Prize-winning Monica Lewinsky bully traveled to Colorado and then ate a fuckload of pot and then got so high she thought she was going to die. Sources confirm: Maureen Dowd is a big making whoopee dork.

The column itself, which will undoubtedly live on in the collective memory of the internet for at least a week (a very long time, in terms of internet), is pretty much a primer on How to Take Drugs Like Indiana Jones' Awful Screaming Girlfriend From The Temple of Doom. In other words, How to Take Drugs Like Somebody Who Has No Business Leaving The House Unassisted, Let Alone Taking Drugs. How to Take Drugs Like Someone Who Will One Day Go On To Be The First Person Eaten After a Plane Crash In The Wilderness. How To Take Drugs Like Someone Who Has No Idea What The Hell They're Doing.

Maureen Dowd's ill-fated foray into weed begins with Maureen Dowd eating way too much of a weed candy bar procured from a legal weed dispensary in Denver, which indicates to me that not only is Maureen Dowd not a drug user, she does not know anyone who is a drug user, and if she does know anyone who is a drug user, none of them cared enough to warn her that she should not assess the success of legalized pot in Colorado by eating way, way, way, way too much weed.

Like many nights that end poorly for stand-up comics working a tired joke premise about getting way too high, Dowd's account started with eating a little bit of the weed candy bar. And then,

 

For an hour, I felt nothing. I figured I'd order dinner from room service and return to my more mundane drugs of choice, chardonnay and mediocre-movies-on-demand.

If this were the joke currently in use by — I swear — a good third of the stand up comedians I've seen perform in the last year, it would end with the comedian hallucinating or doing something else that's totally irrational or silly or dangerous, and everyone in the audience laughing at what an idiot the comedian is and was. What a fool they were to not heed the warnings of everyone who has ever eaten a pot brownie! What amusement we're extracting from their ignorance! Dowd's night continues apace:

 

But then I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn't move to get water. Or even turn off the lights. I was panting and paranoid, sure that when the room-service waiter knocked and I didn't answer, he'd call the police and have me arrested for being unable to handle my candy.

I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me.

"I think we're dead. 

."

Maureen Dowd tripped the flower out all night long, and then, the next day, she was told by someone more experienced with weed that she wasn't supposed to eat the entire candy bar. Dowd then proceeded to blame everyone but herself for her terrible experience. Nobody told me, she insists. Society told you, Maureen Dowd. That viral video from 2008 told you. Alt-comedy told you. You just didn't listen because you were too busy writing about your sexy car.

Dowd goes on to cite her bad experience in making a point about how many post-legalization marijuana users will likely not be regular smokers and thus, like Maureen Dowd, be unfamiliar with how to handle themselves when given access to pot. Which, I suppose, is an important consideration.

Baby Boomers like Dowd might not be strangers to ganja, thanks to the weedy years of the 1960's and 70's, but what they were smoking then and what people are smoking now are worlds apart from each other. According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, in 2012, the average sample of marijuana making its way around the US had a THC concentration of about 14.5%, but in the 1980's, marijuana only boasted 4% concentrations of THC. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that a person who last smoked weed as a pre-Bill Clinton administration youth might be unpleasantly surprised by the tripled intensity of their high from a pre-Hillary Clinton administration joint. Or brownie.

Of course, Maureen Dowd is far from the only person who doesn't know how to achieve a pleasant high from marijuana; her inability to just be cool, man is the point of her critique of legalized marijuana. A lot of people don't know what they're doing. As legalized marijuana gains popularity and more years separate Boomers from the last time they smoked pot, we can bet our favorite one hitters that this won't be the first midlife brownie OD we'll see committed to print; our parents are essentially an entire generation of Maureen Dowd freakouts-in-waiting. Heaven help us.

 

 

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In retrospect, I guess it's a good thing she made a rookie mistake with a non-lethal drug.  Marijuana is a drug.  A very good, very powerful, amazing drug.  As with many drugs, understanding the appropriate dosage for your body is important.  This is no different with other, legal, recreational drugs and prescribed medicines.

 

This is such a common place occurrence with alcohol that people rarely even mention it.  In fact, it's almost assumed that with alcohol you will end up poisoning yourself and vomiting at some point in your initial usage (if not your ongoing usage).  But, as we know, with alcohol that can lead to death.

 

She's a lucky woman.

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"This is such a common place occurrence with alcohol that people rarely even mention it.  In fact, it's almost assumed that with alcohol you will end up poisoning yourself and vomiting at some point in your initial usage (if not your ongoing usage).''

 

I remember. It was cousin Mary Jane's wedding. I was fourteen and promised the world I would never touch the stuff again. Welll...

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It strikes me that Maureen Dowd will now test positive for a Schedule 1 controlled substance for about 1 month based on the amount she consumed.

 

What are the authorities going to do about this?!

yup. Do a for cause ua seeing that she admitted it, then terminate. Have the local police on notice so they can pull her over for "swerving", do a blood draw, revoke her license under a zero tol policy, force 10k or so in legal fees, execute a warrant on her premises, trash it, hopefully find something (anything), take what all the tv's,cars, computers, cash & jewelry for forfeiture, shoit her dog, file charges, force another 15k+ on legal fees, take it fed so there is no reasonable defense, help fill the occupancy quota for our state contracts with the private penal corporations, re-elect another 'tough on crime' candidate. Keep the wheel spinning, oh and save the kids.

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