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Garrett

It's difficult for us ...

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How can we explain, how can we help our loved ones to understand ... when we don't understand ...

There are times, lives, like mine, when wives simply cannot understand ... and decide they don't want to be with us ... we're erratic, we withdraw, we need to protect ourselves, we fear leaving our homes, we have fears that we can't articulate, can't express in words that will help a loved one understand ... 

Yet we live ... every day, every minute, with thoughts no one should ever know ...

A terrible outcome of our struggle is we can't talk to our wives ... we can't explain the things we "see" ... again and again, moment after moment, day after day ... but we never share those visions ... which of us would want our wives to know the true terrors that we see ... to let them honestly "feel" what we always feel ... how can we condemn them to our fate ... knowing the pain of understanding ... of knowing ... what we truly feel ... 

So they leave us ... and we know, somewhere inside, that it's for the best, for their health, for them to continue living ... 

That leaves us alone which may seem like an answer ... to know the terrors that we see is something we pray others never know ... never, ever, experience ...

The problem with that logic is that we isolate ourselves ... we do save others from our terrible struggles ... but we leave ourselves alone ... that often feels best to us .. but it is wrong

We need love more than most because we can't find self-acceptance, self-worth, self-hope ... within ourselves 

There is no perfect world ... we have only this one ... 

We need to support each other because only we can understand the horrors we face ... 

I pray for each of us ... I understand the pain of a wife leaving ... mine left me ... 

Please stay with me ... let's live together ... share our lives ... work to build something we can live within ... 

We are never alone no matter how bad it feels ... we always have each other ... we are the only people that understand the terrors ...

Reach out to me ... PM or post ... I will help you ...  

We should never be alone ... we can't deal with isolation ... we need each other ... real people that feel the same as you ... that know your pain ... know your struggles ... know that you want only to find "peace" ...

However you define peace is fine with me ... 

I will always be here ... always available ... 

Honestly, we have only have each other to lean upon ... to share with

Use the PM function to talk in private ... I know private fears ... post if you have the courage but don't push any personal limits ... stay within yourself ... know what you can share in public ... none of us want sympathy ... we want to live

Edited by Garrett
Grammer fixes

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I look outside and see the quiet and peace of a UP evening ... the sun low, the tree's reflecting the late light ... honest ... natural ... beautiful

Inside, I feel nothing, just hollow and empty, no love from anyone ... alone 

Someday, someone with writing skill will tell our tale ... 

I keep trying, keep rising each morning ... keep facing the terrors each night

I'm not alone in all of this, as sorry as I want to feel, as much as I want to pity myself ... I know that thousands of others feel this same pain

I take what I can from that, call it strength or self preservation ... or fear

I hold on, not knowing why ... just a feeling that maybe, one day, the sun will rise and I won't wish for the darkness to swallow me

No pity for us ... we lived our lives and chose to face the reality that "Freedom isn't Free" ... we knew the possible price and we paid it in full ... our eyes were open ... always

We live with the worst possible injury ... the invisible wound

What sacrifice can we point to ... we have no missing limbs, no terrible physical scars ... nothing to "justify" our DV license plates ... 

We can never be "treated" ... there isn't a prosthetic "soul" ... 

We are shamed by that ... we live wishing we had lost a leg or arm ... something we could point to, show someone, say "see this?" ... but we have nothing

Imagine being physically unharmed in a Veterans Group ... and crying about fears and terrors that no one can ever see ...

Our society demands a "pound of flesh" for a sacrifice to be honored ... the worst of us can only give tears and far too often, our suicide ... to show we were among the injured

 

 

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I'm sorry if I shared too much ... too personal ... my fellow Veterans that suffer from PTSD I love you ... please always and forever know that I'm here, alive .... willing to give you all that I have ... to help ... never, ever, read my posts and feel they allow you to do the unthinkable ... PM me, talk to me, we can always, always ... talk and share ... I love you 

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When I got home from Vietnam years ago, I found that keeping busy kept my mind off what just happened. Hated being inside and always wanted to be outside. Unfortunately, I worked inside a plant. Retired soon as I was able and spend as much time outside as possible. Wife says I spend too much time outside, but that is my comfort zone.

Being around fellow veterans helps. Visited the VN Wall in DC for over 10 years and really miss Veterans Day and Memorial Day in DC. Nice to be with all the veterans.

 

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