New Pfizer Study

[Wild Bill]

New Pfizer Study Reveals Majority of Infants Are Clinically Depressed

 

A new study sponsored by Pfizer reveals that most babies suffer clinical depression and anxiety, and could benefit from Zoloft, the anti-depressant medication they manufacture.

 

Citing their fitful sleeping patterns, restlessness, frequent crying and high suicide rates, the findings of a non-independent panel of laboratories concluded that congenital infant depression syndrome (CIDS) is common far above epidemic levels in the United States.

 

Reported Dr. Michael Parsons of the Western Michigan School of Pediatrics: “Observed against a representative control population, individuals in the zero to two age group demonstrate hallmarks associated with clinical depression, including uncontrollable weeping and weeping without reportable or discernable reason, at a 200% higher rate than any other age group, and 450% higher than adults between the ages of 30-50 - a deeply disconcerting statistic.”

 

Even more troubling, the study indicates that suicide rates amongst the country’s infant population dwarf those of any other demographic.

 

“Every year 54.8 out of 100,000 Americans under the age of two commit suicide, with drowning, self-inflicted suffocation and electrocution being the most common methods, a number that is nearly five times higher than the national average,” said Parsons.

 

Chief Scientist of Research and Development for Pfizer David Bauer deemed the findings an alarming wake-up call.

 

“This study shows that our children, our youngest, most helpless and vulnerable little people are suffering and dying from a completely treatable condition, and that’s just unacceptable. We have the cure. We have lots of cures. Cures for everything,” Bauer proclaimed.

 

Indeed, according to parents who’ve already begun administering anti-depressants to treat their infant's emotional imbalances, the medication has rendered highly positive results.

 

Deborah Hancock of Madison, Wisconsin testified, “My ten month-old son Dylan used to cry constantly day and night, and even in public. It broke my heart to see him so sad all the time. Of course, my family doctor always had some explanation – first it was colic, then it was teething, and then I had enough. So I took him to a new doctor who put him on Zoloft, and it’s a miracle. The tears have dried up, he’s sleeping through the night, and he’s as happy and quiet as a little angel.”

 

NewsMutiny

Satire for the wise. News for the dumb.

[+Silverblue]

GOOD FOOKIN GOD-- GIVING THIS STUFF TO BABIES I AM SO PIZZED , these companies can KISS MY AZZ! the drugging of americs. SHAMEFUL. UNBELIEVABLE NONSENSE! morre money for their alrerady too deep pockets! i hope they all fry in hell those miserable gentleman companies, I feel sorry for the good people who work there who are being misled by this crap. If you want a happy baby all the time, you're being unrealistic. Happy children live in HAPPY HOMES with LOVING PARENTS who hold them, talk to them, give them LOTS OF ATTENTION!!!! Healing begins at home! If the child is stressed, there's a REAL RERASON for it, LOOK TO THE PARENTS! How much stress are they under? Children can sense it even if they can't express it! How much attention does the child get? Do the parents manage their stress so they don't take it out on the child? Did the parents take care of themselves before and during mom's pregnancy? What did they eat? What did they put in their bodies? All that is important, too! I know from experience what I'm saying and I know about stress. My parents did all the wrong things with me! As an intuitive healer I also know how harmful stress is and how it can intensify illness, including MINE. Just because I know these things I don't claim to be an expert and I have my own personal battles to fight. I'm glad I wasn't born in this age, my parents would be drugging me to death. Maybe they'd give me an O.D. That'd be the most HUMANE thing they could do, considering HOW CRUEL they treated me. This world is SO ABUSIVE- I've seen happy babies grow into happy children, their parents speak kindly to them, they listen, they talk with them, they are gentle and respecful. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT AND COMMON SENSE?????? GODDAMM DRUG COMPANIES CAN GO TO HELL. Sorry to everyone but this kinda stuff gets my blood boiling. When someone is sad, there's a REASON for it! DUH! OOOOHHHHHH I'M SOOOOOO MAAADDD!!!! GGRRRRRR

 

Sb

[+washtenaut]

Like SB I was getting ticked off that they were thinking of giving drugs to babies now. The suicide thing was the tipoff that this must be satire.

[wingnut]

Wow! Starting them out kinda young, Pfizer the new gateway " drug pusher" . It will lead to more Heroin use among two year old's. DEA where are you now? Oh yeah going after the bad guy's, using Cannabis . WTF! You A-HOLES !!!

[Timmahh]

i really hope this is satire. but in retrospect, it would NOT surprise me in the F-ing least.

 

if its real, its fully unnaceptable.

[1337Gr33n]

Look at that news paper everyone. it is a TOTAL joke. for goodness sakes, their front page has an OpEd piece entitled, "Sometimes I Wish My Dad Never Raped You - By: A 181 Month-Old Unaborted Fetus"

[Captain Obvious]

GOOD FOOKIN GOD-- GIVING THIS STUFF TO BABIES I AM SO PIZZED , these companies can KISS MY AZZ! the drugging of americs. SHAMEFUL. UNBELIEVABLE NONSENSE! morre money for their alrerady too deep pockets! i hope they all fry in hell those miserable gentleman companies, I feel sorry for the good people who work there who are being misled by this crap. If you want a happy baby all the time, you're being unrealistic. Happy children live in HAPPY HOMES with LOVING PARENTS who hold them, talk to them, give them LOTS OF ATTENTION!!!! Healing begins at home! If the child is stressed, there's a REAL RERASON for it, LOOK TO THE PARENTS! How much stress are they under? Children can sense it even if they can't express it! How much attention does the child get? Do the parents manage their stress so they don't take it out on the child? Did the parents take care of themselves before and during mom's pregnancy? What did they eat? What did they put in their bodies? All that is important, too! I know from experience what I'm saying and I know about stress. My parents did all the wrong things with me! As an intuitive healer I also know how harmful stress is and how it can intensify illness, including MINE. Just because I know these things I don't claim to be an expert and I have my own personal battles to fight. I'm glad I wasn't born in this age, my parents would be drugging me to death. Maybe they'd give me an O.D. That'd be the most HUMANE thing they could do, considering HOW CRUEL they treated me. This world is SO ABUSIVE- I've seen happy babies grow into happy children, their parents speak kindly to them, they listen, they talk with them, they are gentle and respecful. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT AND COMMON SENSE?????? GODDAMM DRUG COMPANIES CAN GO TO HELL. Sorry to everyone but this kinda stuff gets my blood boiling. When someone is sad, there's a REASON for it! DUH! OOOOHHHHHH I'M SOOOOOO MAAADDD!!!! GGRRRRRR

 

 

 

Sb

 

LOL, they Got Ya Again !!!

[Captain Obvious]

Wow! Starting them out kinda young, Pfizer the new gateway " drug pusher" . It will lead to more Heroin use among two year old's. DEA where are you now? Oh yeah going after the bad guy's, using Cannabis . WTF! You A-HOLES !!!

 

They Got You Too, it's Not REAL

[1337Gr33n]

Their strong reactions are certainly a sign of one thing. The people of Michigan know exactly what multinational corporations are capable of in our communities. The article should have been on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me as one of their games, 'which story is real'. They throw out 4 odd, but maybe plausible stories, and the caller and celebrity guest work together to find the answer. It COULD be real.

[JohnB RPh]

Well played.

[solabeirtan]

Snot eeeeeveeeeen funny.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

 

fyi__Pfizer #1 Largest Pharmii in the world

____German chemist Charles Pfizer immigrated 1840.

____Formed Pfizer Pharmacueticals 1849 in Brooklyn, NY.

____Discovered way to mass produce penicillin 1941.

............. WWII ......

. .blah, blah ...Viagra .... blah blah

[+Silverblue]

I remember that game. It seems too far fetched to be a real story, I don't know if I would've guessed it wasn't real. giving stuff like that to children is despicable.

 

Everything we do affects children, including the physical environment, chemicals in the air, etc.

 

Sb