How Do You Say Good-Bye?

[Guest thequietone]

I am coming up on my third anniversary as a cancer survivor and awhile back joined a support group in my area. Our discussions are very personal and quite frank about cancer and our feelings. We bare our souls to each other on how this effects us and our families. Naturally it doesn't take long to develop very deep and close relationships with the other member's. Thursday I learned that a member who I have connected with and I considered a dear friend left the hospital on Hospice.

 

My friend was going home to tell her children she had seven days to live, maybe. Her journey started close to seven years ago with the cancer going into remission and then resurfacing. This time it went after the organs namely the liver. Thursday the liver shutdown and all treatment was stopped and there is nothing left to try. Every type of treatment was tried, every experimental treatment was tried and all failed. Now there is nothing left for them to try and with the body shutting down it becomes a matter of time.

 

The last time I talked to her was a month ago. She was excited about the upcoming family vacation and the eldest child was going to be graduating this year. The conversation was very positive and upbeat despite the fact the treatment wasn't working very well at that time. The group got an update email saying the vacation went off great and a good time was had by all. Then I went on my vacation and missed two weeks and was looking forward to see everyone and her on Thursday. She never made the meeting.

 

She is 39 years old and now she will not even get the chance to see her eldest child graduate, it's just not fair. A parent should have the chance to grow old and watch their children grow up. Cancer really pisses me off because of the damage it does to the victim, their families, friends and even whole communities. All to often it ends in death. I don't look at this as she lost the fight with cancer. I see this as her the victor in the battle with cancer. She won the war and is now no longer suffering and she is going to be in a better place. Unfortunately sometimes only in death do we win when fighting cancer.

 

I am going to tell you a little about my friend now. She is without a doubt one of the most courageous people I ever met. She was a true warrior and faced cancer head on standing on both feet. I know a lot of real tough, badass people, but compared to her they are wimps. She always had a positive attitude and I wish I had her inner strength. She is a kind and gentle soul who always had a smile for you. Supportive, caring and somehow she knew you were having a bad day and she would make you laugh. When she entered the room it was a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She was full of life and grabbed it by the horns and lived life to the fullest. She is a wife, mother, and a good friend to many people. I will miss her dearly and carry her in my heart forever.

 

Yesterday I sat down and wrote the hardest email I will ever have to write. It was very emotional for me as I tried to answer the question of how do I say good-bye to her. People always say they never got the chance to say good-bye when a loved one passes away. Well I have been given the chance to say good-bye and I don't know how too. Some people say it is easier to say good-bye after death and I now truly understand why they say that. In the end I wrote from the heart and told her we will meet again and that I know she will be watching. That is where I left it and signed it your dearest friend. I could not bring myself to say good-bye to her and now I only hope she gets the chance to read my words.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads my rambling for I needed to get this off my chest and vent a little.

[+Green Cross]

You did her a tremendous kindness she cherishes by sharing your feelings in such a stunningly eloquent way.

[michiganmedclones]

You click print, and you go read this to her. Thats what you feel about her, and thats the truth about her. Share a story of your favorite memory, and remember, its not good bye, its see ya later.

 

I lost my grandfather 11-14-09, I still think about it every single day because he was my father figure and my best friend. I understand what you are going through and I honestly hope you can get through this time OK, there are days that I still can't shake the "mopes" of missing him, its going to happen but you both will meet again one day don't forget that

[trix]

if my web cam was working I'd show you... I have goosebumps from reading your story.

 

I have lost one to many dear friends in my young life thus far... there is no good or easy way to say good-bye to someone, really I believe that the person your speaking of knows how much you meant to them, I have found that showing comfort towards the remaining family is a good way for me personally to say farewell to a friend.

 

In most cases family is all a terminally ill PT has in their lives, so by me reaching out and helping the family through that time is a way of closure and goodbye in a way for me anyways...

 

I'm so glad to read your a survivor, on the other hand in saddens me that your friends lost the battle... best wishes

 

Trix

[DT61]

The greatest and most selfless gift to give some one is - you.

Depending upon who or what you trust and believe in, you may only have to say I will see you later.

[Bisharoo]

May you find some peace and comfort this day thequietone...What waits on the other side for us all? We shall see...

[welj31]

I have been where you are friend. Last time I saw you we were just getting over almost lossing our youngest son. I too wrote an email when I lost my best friend and brother inlaw (lung cancer).

 

 

This was the song played at the showing hope it helps

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb5S_-USqOs

[jimbojinx]

With your empathy and insight, you are the sort of friend we all want to have.

 

 

Dr. jinx

[harleyd]

You and your friend are special.And yes I have goose bump's too! I think to have such a special friendship is priceless!! most people only think they have true friend's.It's not goodbye...but till I see you next!Believe ...she know's

[Guest thequietone]

Thank you all for the words of comfort and support, I am truly touched by them. I got an update from her husband and she is doing as good as one can at a time like this. He has asked that they be given time to be alone with their kids and I know everyone will respect that wish. She is such an amazing woman, it would be easy to lay down and give up. Not her she is going to go out the same way she lived. She is going to live it to the fullest and today is going out to attend a play with the family. She is spending quality time with her family and by living these final days to the fullest is her last gift to her family.

 

I am so happy to know she is getting this time to be with them. There will always be a sadness to the memories, but there will also be the memories of joy and a celebration of life. She truly celebrated life and all around her got caught up in her celebration. They are going on with the planning of a graduation party and we had talked about me making a cake for it. I sent another email offering to make and give it to them as a gift to honer her.

 

Again thank you everyone,

Mike

[congoma]

Your post made me cry, I feel very emotional today. My sister is a Hospice grief counselor and I dont know how she can deal with such sadness day after day. It truly takes a special person. Just know that you were a good friend and will meet again someday. My thoughts and Prayers are with you and the family

[+Silverblue]

Saying goodbye is so difficult, I could never do it, I know. A true friend is often hard to find. She'll always be in your heart.

 

Sb

[Michael Komorn]

I AM SO TOUCHED BY THE LOVE THAT OUR COMMUNITY HAS FOR THE SICK. THIS IS A GREAT THREAD! THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR COMPASSION. IT IS BOTH INSPIRING AND MOTIVATING.

[solabeirtan]

It is a great thread indeed, I agree. Going through a similar situation, as it was so shall it be again. Glad to have had the opportunity to participate. It was a great game. The game of Life. Be free. Like the wind. All we keep are the memories. They are ours to treasure forever............................................peace

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFUI452XXrM

[peanutbutter]

There have been times that I've woke up, hearing some sound, wondering if that is the sound of the trumpet.

 

The calling out.

 

The start of the party.

 

The signal the ends all the hurt and death.

 

I know I'll see these folks again at that seven year long party.

[Wild Bill]

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,

and death is only a horizon;

and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

[Guest Medicinal Patient]

Thanks for sharing your personal story with us Mike. What a beautiful way to honor your friend. Thousands now know what a courageous inspirational friend, wife, and Mother she is. May you all find peace and comfort in this time. It sure sounds like she has. Blessings

 

[Guest thequietone]

All to often being disabled means spending too much time alone. Having this community to come and socialize is a blessing for many. A place to chat, get and give support and comfort and a place to vent when we need to. Thank you all for your words during these rough days. I feel we all choose how we remember our loved ones and for me I will always remember her as a celebration of life.

[shiningheartwoman]

Quietone.. forgive me for being long winded - I had a gut feeling I shouldnt read this when I saw the title but I pushed myself to. Ive lost many loved ones - family, friends and pets in my life. All I really have left in my family is my sister and father some aunts and uncles n such. All my grandparents have passed on and despite the heartwrenching pain losing any of the above mentioned Ive not felt such pain in a loss so far in my life then that of the loss of my Mother sept 16th 2009. She was 52 yrs old. It was COPD, Diabetes and finally Thyroid Cancer that had gone undetected until it swelled her lymph nodes in her neck to the sizes of eggs. Which by the time they found the tumors they were all throughout her chest - and to even operate would mean to bust her rib cage, take it out and so on.. Her health wasnt stable enough for that nor were her lungs which were only at 40% and dropped to 25 30% usages... After radiation treatments that hadnt done well there was a complication with her breathing due to the tumors so they gave her an emergency Trach surgery in the end during all of this which took her voice from us forever.. I remember 3 weeks before I recieved a call on my cell via my walkie talkie- it was her voice and since depression had also inevitably consumed her life in her illnesses I attempted to dismiss her tone as yet again complining about something and almost thought to call back later.. my gut told me "cmon despite her and your history call her back shes your mom and she needs you" .. Im glad I listened.. She told me she just wanted to say she loved me, she loved all of us up here and missed us. She wasnt doing well she felt worse then ever and she felt she needed to tell me. Now hearing this my stupidity my ignorance or denial whichever you choose told me ive heard this for years before and shed come this far.. I was nieve. She was saying good bye! I hadnt realized it then.. it floored me at the time and i told her how i felt back and so on. When we hung up I never would have known that was the last time id Hear her voice again. No more conversations, i love yous, advice, stories, singing..I would give my life to hug her again to hear her tell me its ok. Crazy thing is this is from a daughter that was a pompass teen growing up and fought with mom more then id like to admit.. in which i hold guilt for to this day as well. We visited her the weekend before her death..she seemed so full of spirit but From one person humbly to another the first moment i saw her and them suction out her lungs my heart was torn from my chest. On top of the horrid care she was put into which is an entirly different story. We left thinking we'd see her in a week since taking my sister with us for a break away to gain some acceptence..we left monday morning - i spoke with my father on tue evening her breathing is labored he said but she seems well enough.. by 1130 wed morning i get a cal from dad that made my knees fall from under me.

 

Her funeral came.. i helped with the memorial posters and pictures looking back those days were floating in a fog..at her funeral I didnt have the strength to say a word let alone talk to anyone..At her burial..I had prepared poems and thought of what to say in her memory but standing there seeing her ashes in that box and the reality of life, death, pain, regret, guilt, heartache ripping me apart i couldnt speak i barely could breathe. Your right When your given a chance to say goodbye - most times then not words dont / cant express how you dont want to say goodbye.. nothing tends to come out or come together.. OD taught me that in the Anishnabemowin Language That there is no word for good bye. Baamaapii or Baamaa for short is See you later, See you.. NEVER goodbye.. In thier beliefs and teachings the spirit just leaves the body to live on with the ancestors..And one day we too will join them all. So there is never a goodbye. i used to think mainstream, say goodbye and they are gone forever.. But upon learning from many teachers in my life as well as my husband OD that you do not say good bye because tho their shell is gone.. their spirit and energy is still very much existant all around us and within their loved ones. To think of this i shudder with tears forgive me.. Healing so to speak has been harder then i ever imagined.. ever.. and most days are still a struggle.. After moms death some very strange happenings / sightings came to me. Ive seen things and heard her calling me. Most would think me insane but I do not dimiss what we cannot understand or see. I KNOW she was reaching out to me - giving me signs that i would know were her and that she is with me especially since ive taken her death very hard a huge piece of me died with her and anyone who knows me knows the change since..her signs gave me comfort.. but it hasnt taken the pain.. If your connected enough, the bonds are strong enough and your open enough to allow it in you may be reached and given an "its ok dont be sad" in many forms. This you must believe and hold close. Only then will your eyes see it, your gut feel it and your heart decipher it.

 

Your Friend is still with us.. this is good to hear but sad of the realization of time being against her. May I suggest dont say goodbye to her.. embrace her with all her glory now as she is at her strongest and most powerful, tho many would see it as weak due to the illness, and just be there for her.. when her shell becomes silent speak in your heart your words to her.. she will hear them and tho you may not see her with your eyes whose to say she wouldnt be at your side embracing you telling you not to cry for her leaving but to rejoice in her freedom! She will see you again...And you her and always hold that faith and belief close to your heart.. it will help be the glue your shattering needs..its helped me tho its hard to stick to.

 

Thank you for this- Its beautiful how you are beginning to immortalize her now even whilst shes still here with us. You keep those thoughts and memories alive and she will forever be with you and all who loved her and whom she loved!

 

Sorry so long.. some even my hubby complain on how lengthy i speak or write.. but this is me. I feel strongly about this. We all suffer, heal and come to terms differently and my pain is still as fresh today a year and a half later as it was the day i found out. Even more sad is if I knew about all the info ive learned thru the MMMA and this entire movement since when she was still with us and how to properly admisiter the medicine and the contacts of those we know now - (again tears) maybe i could have spared her, given her more time maybe even hope of surviving...But she is yet another POW in this war!!! And her suffering rings in my soul every day! I relate.. My brother I relate and offer you my heart from every depth....... Sincere tears.....Shining

 

 

Mom May your Spirit forever be free! RIP (2-19-57 to 9-16-2009) ;*******(

 

 

Mom and Dad in 1800-1840 Moms regalia is Sioux Fathers is American Mountain Man All han made and Era correct for reinactments they used to do!

 

Mom Holding the youngest as an infant sept2007 2 yrs before her death.. ;***(

[MORE COWBELL]

I am coming up on my third anniversary as a cancer survivor and awhile back joined a support group in my area. Our discussions are very personal and quite frank about cancer and our feelings. We bare our souls to each other on how this effects us and our families. Naturally it doesn't take long to develop very deep and close relationships with the other member's. Thursday I learned that a member who I have connected with and I considered a dear friend left the hospital on Hospice.

 

My friend was going home to tell her children she had seven days to live, maybe. Her journey started close to seven years ago with the cancer going into remission and then resurfacing. This time it went after the organs namely the liver. Thursday the liver shutdown and all treatment was stopped and there is nothing left to try. Every type of treatment was tried, every experimental treatment was tried and all failed. Now there is nothing left for them to try and with the body shutting down it becomes a matter of time.

 

The last time I talked to her was a month ago. She was excited about the upcoming family vacation and the eldest child was going to be graduating this year. The conversation was very positive and upbeat despite the fact the treatment wasn't working very well at that time. The group got an update email saying the vacation went off great and a good time was had by all. Then I went on my vacation and missed two weeks and was looking forward to see everyone and her on Thursday. She never made the meeting.

 

She is 39 years old and now she will not even get the chance to see her eldest child graduate, it's just not fair. A parent should have the chance to grow old and watch their children grow up. Cancer really pisses me off because of the damage it does to the victim, their families, friends and even whole communities. All to often it ends in death. I don't look at this as she lost the fight with cancer. I see this as her the victor in the battle with cancer. She won the war and is now no longer suffering and she is going to be in a better place. Unfortunately sometimes only in death do we win when fighting cancer.

 

I am going to tell you a little about my friend now. She is without a doubt one of the most courageous people I ever met. She was a true warrior and faced cancer head on standing on both feet. I know a lot of real tough, badass people, but compared to her they are wimps. She always had a positive attitude and I wish I had her inner strength. She is a kind and gentle soul who always had a smile for you. Supportive, caring and somehow she knew you were having a bad day and she would make you laugh. When she entered the room it was a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She was full of life and grabbed it by the horns and lived life to the fullest. She is a wife, mother, and a good friend to many people. I will miss her dearly and carry her in my heart forever.

 

Yesterday I sat down and wrote the hardest email I will ever have to write. It was very emotional for me as I tried to answer the question of how do I say good-bye to her. People always say they never got the chance to say good-bye when a loved one passes away. Well I have been given the chance to say good-bye and I don't know how too. Some people say it is easier to say good-bye after death and I now truly understand why they say that. In the end I wrote from the heart and told her we will meet again and that I know she will be watching. That is where I left it and signed it your dearest friend. I could not bring myself to say good-bye to her and now I only hope she gets the chance to read my words.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads my rambling for I needed to get this off my chest and vent a little.

 

 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i am so sorry to hear this-i have little ones i want to see graduate also-i can imagine only what kind of grief and heartache you all are going thru-LOVE AND LIGHT AND THOUGHTS OF HEALING AND UNIVERSAL JUSTICE TO YOU................many tears for you my friends...............

 

[Guest thequietone]

shiningheartwoman you be as long winded as you want, I get that way once in awhile. I choose not to say good-bye instead I ended with until we meet again. Some say the circle of life I say the journey of life which begins with creation in the womb. Upon our birth the physical part of the journey starts and upon death we enter the final stage of the journey which is the spiritual. I know in my heart that she will be watching over me until I move onto the final journey myself.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and the pictures of your lovely mother. Know I do find comfort in your words as I have in all who have responded. All to often I hear people say I wish I had the chance to tell them how I felt about loved ones who have moved on. Despite how hard it was to write I am thankful I had the chance to tell her how I felt about her and the friendship we have formed.

 

Thank you all for the kind words.

[shiningheartwoman]

shiningheartwoman you be as long winded as you want, I get that way once in awhile. I choose not to say good-bye instead I ended with until we meet again. Some say the circle of life I say the journey of life which begins with creation in the womb. Upon our birth the physical part of the journey starts and upon death we enter the final stage of the journey which is the spiritual. I know in my heart that she will be watching over me until I move onto the final journey myself.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and the pictures of your lovely mother. Know I do find comfort in your words as I have in all who have responded. All to often I hear people say I wish I had the chance to tell them how I felt about loved ones who have moved on. Despite how hard it was to write I am thankful I had the chance to tell her how I felt about her and the friendship we have formed.

 

Thank you all for the kind words.

 

Quietone.. I agree, it is good you got and took the chance to let her know. Another thing I believe that clouds many of our minds is the denial. Rather then face it head on its far easier to push it aside..not think about it.. continue on best one can.. until finally it smacks us in the face like a gust of air so intense it takes our breath away. We then stand there gasping for air.. wondering my god how did I allow this. SO much i Should have done, should have said... and most times it isnt until we lose something precious to us that we realize we took them and their time here for granted far to often. Because we can and its easy to. I have some very important people that have been in my life and since passed that I wish I would have said things too them.. or for them.. or even taken more time... anyhow.. this is good you got this chance.. we all should take this very circumstance and hold it close and apply it in our own lives because every one of us will lose someone we love or are close too and most of us are soo wrapped up in lifes circumstances we tend to take them for granted... time is short. too short.. And death comes as it pleases and spares no one....

thank you for your kind words as well.. if i could i would reach thru this computer and give you a hug! Best wishes always Brother... Peace and Love Shining

[Guest thequietone]

Today is a little darker for the Lord has called my friend home. She crossed over peacefully and surrounded by those who loved her. She managed to live through sheer will until her daughter graduated which was last night. She lived these last few weeks to the fullest and did as much as she was able. Though my heart is saddened I know she is in a better place and cancer free. I will always remember her as the shinning star that she was. The way her eyes twinkled when she smiled could brighten up the darkest room. A whirlwind of life that pulled you into her world and infected you with her will and courage to enjoy life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed and I will cherish the memories of time spent with her.

 

Dear Lord accept her into your arms and keep her safe until we can all meet again. Amen